This Is The Rest Of Your Life
by Tennischica12683
Summary: Tara has just fallen during her company audition, leaving Christian reeling from the realization that she may never fully recover. How can he cope with this reality?... His thoughts on Tara, his mom, Sammy, and his future as a dancer... This is my first fan fiction! Please let me know what you think! Thanks!
1. Helpless

Chapter 1 - Helpless

I hate hospitals. The smell, the shiny white floors, the too-bright lighting, people dressed in funny gowns that don't quite cover enough of anything. But mostly I hate the way they make me feel... insignificant, unimportant, helpless. Like, no matter how hard I try, I can't change the way things are. No matter how much I want things to be different, they aren't. It reminds me that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, that compared to the universe, I'm a small speck of dust in the scheme of things.

I couldn't save her, my mom. Being here is a constant reminder of that. She's gone and I couldn't do anything to protect her from her fate. When she got sick, it was as if all the air in my lungs had been slammed out of me. I couldn't breathe and part of me didn't want to. Not her! Not the only person who still believed in me; that I could be better, that I could change... She was beautiful! Perfect! She had so much faith in me and all I'd ever given her was grief! Causing trouble, getting into fights, being crap in school, not taking life seriously. Wasting the time I had with her; thinking I'd have plenty of time to make up for all the stupid stuff I did. Boy was I wrong. Way wrong.

The bitterness of my mistakes adds to my distress as I sit in my chair, Kat's hand clenched in mine, her head on my shoulder. A clock ticks somewhere on the wall, but all I can hear is the deafening silence of the waiting room, my coffee cooling slowly in my hand. I glance over to the other side of the room where Ben and Grace are sitting silently next to each other. Ben looks up and catches my stare, nods and then looks away, his attention returning to Grace, who looks lost and small, two things I never imagined her to be. She was fearless, or so I thought. I guess we all have our secrets. It's funny that no matter how hard we try to hide our true selves, eventually it all comes out, usually at the most inconvenient times.

I feel numb, just like before, only this time it wasn't my mom who I was worrying over. It was her. The only person. The one person besides my mom who I truly connected with, who I truly loved. Tara.

As I sat here, powerless in my own right, she was somewhere in this place and I couldn't get to her. Couldn't make it right. Couldn't fix her. She was broken and I knew that part of it, if not most of it, was my fault. I had pushed her away more times than I could count; this year and last year. Sure we had had our issues as all couples do. Last year, when she wanted me to find my dad, I knew she was right. I couldn't change the past but I had wanted to see him, and she knew it. She could see it or feel it I guess. How she knew I have no idea, because I was doing my best to keep it all in, to keep everyone from knowing how much it hurt to be so alone in the world. But I guess it didn't work. She wasn't fooled at all and it made me angry; that she could see through me so easily, see everything that I was trying so hard to hide, that I did the only thing I knew how to do... I rejected her, crushed her spirit, told her I didn't need her, didn't want her, when in reality, she was the one person I actually did need. Do need. If only I had stayed with her. If only I had had the courage to tell her that I was scared... that I might end up just like him.

My dad had never been there. At least not as far as I can remember. My mom struggled to put food on the table. She worked so hard for my brother and me and he couldn't have cared less. At least that's what I had thought. Turns out he was scared too. So scared that you leave just to save yourself any possibility of losing the ones you care about most. The people who you love more than anything else in the world. That's how I felt when I was with Tara. Like at any moment, she could have been ripped from my grasp and the possibility of that was more painful than I care to admit. She had only wanted what was best for me, for me to be happy, to know my dad, or at least give him another chance.

But the thing is, I'm not like her. Good and kind and forgiving. Quite the opposite actually. I didn't have the wholesome up-bringing that she had. Even though I loved my mom and I knew she loved my brother and me, it wasn't the same. It wasn't what Tara had. What I had wanted. Not that it was Tara's fault, although I treated it that way. I channeled all my pain and anger and jealousy toward her and let it explode unrelenting, until she had no other choice but to leave.

When she apologized for trying to find my dad that day in the studio last year, after my pathetic attempt to get back together with her in the club the night before, I knew I couldn't risk hurting her again. We had been through so much. She was already in too deep, already knew too much about me, and I knew if we got back together, she wouldn't stop trying to help me. Who was I to deserve such attention? Who was I to deserve happiness? A life where I actually had the potential to succeed? To change and be better? I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't a shiny new toy on a shelf. I was damaged, broken, undeserving.

Even now as I sat here, hoping for news, or dreading it - I wasn't quite sure which - I couldn't help feeling worthless. That's when Jayden's words from a few weeks ago came into my head... "You're kind of hard on yourself dude." Even at his young age, he was wiser and more together than I was now! I fought back a laugh at this revelation, not wanting to break the silence of the waiting room. It wasn't the time or place to laugh, not with the reason we were all here.

Suddenly, thoughts of Tara from last night slammed back into my head. I had been doing such a good job of distracting myself and avoiding my memories of the incident, that I wasn't ready for the gut punch I felt as they all came flooding back. Watching her dance so beautifully, like the siren she was portraying. Gliding effortlessly across the stage, as if her feet weren't even touching the ground. Using her easy grace to her advantage. I was hooked and she was reeling me in slowly, deeper and deeper underwater, my gaze locked on her, commanding my attention with every step. It was like we were the only two people in the theater and she was calling me back to her, calling me home. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I didn't want to. She was mesmerizing.

And that's when it all fell apart. That's when the spell was broken and before I knew what was happening, she was on her back, her sobs echoing through the theater. After all her hard work, all her training and fighting through injuries, her positivity and caring, it was over. Just like that.

Regaining some clarity, we all made a mad-dash for her; Kat taking her hand, me holding her head, trying to reassure her by gently stroking her face with my hands. Abigail and Ollie looking afraid for their friend, and Ben with his arms around a hysterical Grace. Hearing Tara's voice breaking through her tears... "I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!" It was as if time had stopped.

Her words were like ice in my chest. They echoed over and over in my head, filling me with dread. All I could think was, what if she could never dance again? What if she could never walk again? After everything she had overcome... Not being allowed to dance on pointe, all of Abigail's attempts to sabotage her, Miss Raine's harsh treatment, Saskia breaking her back, Grace alienating her from her friends in a desperate attempt to gain some kind of self-worth, me and the way I carelessly tossed her aside after promising to always be there for her. After all that, to have her dream snatched away by a bead, a stupid little bead.

It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair! This sweet and gentle person had only ever wanted to be a dancer and this is how that dream repaid her? By dashing every shred of hope she had of getting into the company like this? She didn't even get to finish her solo! It was as if fate had turned its back on her... just like it had on my mom.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of high heels marching purposefully into the room. I didn't need to look up to know who they belonged to. Sure enough, as I lifted my head, Miss Raine stood before us. She was trying hard to hide it, but I could see the chinks in her armor. She wasn't as unaffected as she pretended to be. We all rushed towards her, hoping for good news.

Unfortunately, there was none. The doctors needed to perform surgery. Tara's back was broken and there was a chance she could never walk again, let alone dance. The news hit me like a ton of bricks. Growing up skateboarding, surfing and even dancing, I guess you get used to a certain level of pain. That pain had nothing on what I was feeling right now. It took all the strength I had to not crumble to the floor and roll myself into a ball. But everyone else was still standing so I willed myself to do the same, even when all I wanted to do was run to her, to comfort her, tell her it was going to be alright. I wanted to hold her in my arms and bury my head in her hair that smelled so good. She always smelled so good.

Again, my attention was brought back to Miss Raine when she said we should all head back to the boarding house to get some rest and prepare for our interviews tomorrow. Interviews? Who could think about that now when Tara was going to have surgery? Not me! I was staying! I wasn't leaving and no one could make me! I thought defiantly. But as I caught Miss Raine's eye, I could tell this wasn't a suggestion but a command, and that whether I liked it or not, I was going. She had her "don't you dare argue with me" face on and I could swear it was just for me, like she expected me to put up a fight. I wanted to, boy did I want to, but I was just too tired, too in shock to protest.

In the end, Kat said she would stay as she was only in second year and with as much energy as we could muster, we all said goodnight and silently left the hospital.


	2. Chest Pains

Chapter 2 - Chest Pains

I toss and turn all night. Despite my best efforts, sleep evades me. It's pointless. Every time I close my eyes, her face is there, burned into my eyelids. Her eyes wet with tears, her mouth screwed up into a sad, painful frown. Her brain is telling her to give up but her heart is saying it's not over yet. She's come this far, hang in there. She is torn between the two, not sure what to believe. She has never been so unsure of herself before and it frightens her. I can see it all over her face, and it frightens me too.

Giving up any feeble attempt at sleep, I decide to go for a run. Though it helps, I still can't fully focus on the task at hand. The cool night air that usually helps to clear my head does nothing to soothe me this time around. Like no matter how fast or how far I run, she is chasing me, getting closer with every step I take.

Stopping to catch my breath, I can see the opera house in the distance, and the full force of reality hits me square in the chest. She may never walk again. She may never dance. The second thought is even harder than the first. Tara not dancing is like the sky not being blue. Too unreal to comprehend. She loves dancing. She is dancing. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have resented her for being so focused on something she was so clearly meant to do? Looking back now at all those times when she had tried to help me and plan for me, and all I had done was push her away... why?

I knew why. I was jealous. Jealous and angry. Jealous that she was so driven and knew what she wanted in life. Jealous that she had so much and I had so little. That no matter how hard I tried, the Academy was never going to accept me unless I turned my back on everything I knew and was. Angry at her for trying to change me. Angry at myself for wanting to change but not knowing how. For falling into the same holes I always fell into. For selling-out and clinging to a past that makes it hard to see a clear future for myself, blaming Tara for my unhappiness when it was all on me.

It is moments like this when I wish he was still here. Sammy. Thinking of him, my heart contracts painfully because I know that if I could just talk to him, it would all be okay. If he were here, he would know what to do, what to say to make this pain more bearable. He would smile, crack a joke, put his arm around me, because he loved Tara as much as I do. In a different way maybe, as a sister, but he would know how I was feeling for sure.

But he's not here. He's gone. He's dead. The last thought rips though my body and the pain I'm feeling escalates to an indescribable level. I can't breathe. I hunch over on the sidewalk, one hand clinging to my chest, and I reach out and grab the railing with the other. Why isn't he here? What did he do to deserve this? He was such an amazing person, much better than me. He understood people and didn't judge anyone, no matter how they treated him. Take Abigail for instance. She was never nice to him, constantly berated him about his dancing, and yet he still managed to get through to her... to show her there was more to life than just dancing. And me. When we first met during audition week, he wanted to be mates. He saw it even when I couldn't. It was like he knew I needed him. Not just a mate, but him specifically. He was more right than even he knew.

I blink back tears as I try to right myself. I'm not far from where Sammy died so I decide to visit the spot. As I arrive, I see a fresh wreath of flowers hanging from the tree. Ollie probably. He has enough guilt over Sammy to fill Sydney Harbor. And so he should. What he said to Sammy when he was only trying to help, only trying to make Ollie better, was unforgivable. At least it was to me. If Ollie had said that to me, punches would have been thrown, but not Sammy. Even though they broke up, I knew that Sammy wouldn't hold what Ollie had said against him. Sammy was better than Ollie deserved... better than I deserved.

The sun was just starting to come up as I made it back to the dorm. I walked slowly up the stairs, just starting to feel tired, my body drained from my emotional run. I swung the door to my room open, only to find Ollie still asleep and I climbed up to my bunk as quietly as I could. I didn't want to wake him on the chance that he would ask me where I was. Even though Ollie and I were friends, we weren't that close where I felt as comfortable talking to him as I did to some of the others. At least not yet. As my head hit the pillow, my mind finally went blank and I welcomed sleep with open arms.


	3. Judgment Day

Chapter 3 - Judgment Day

I was late. The most important day of my life and I was treating it like it meant nothing. Except it did. It meant everything. This was the day that determined my future - the rest of my life. After the night I had, I was lucky that I was even awake at all. I slept after coming back, but it wasn't peaceful... far from it. Visions of Sammy and Tara swam through my mind and kept me from feeling fully rested.

I was grateful for Ollie's text that woke me... "Where are you Reedo? You know you have to be here by 10 right?" He had my back and maybe I should start giving him more credit. He had woven his way into our group and not just because of Sammy, but because he truly was a good guy. Sure he got a little mental at times, but who didn't? He had some issues to work out - like how he thought he was better than everyone even though he had repeated third year - but that was normal for someone in his position. Our position. Mental is the new normal it seems.

Grabbing a clean shirt, I run my hands through my hair and race out the door, shoving my arms into the sleeves as I run down the hall. I check my phone... 9:55. I fly down the stairs and out the door, not stopping to say thanks to those who wish me luck as I rush past. Everything is a blur as I sprint to the studio. Don't blow this! This is your shot! My subconscious yells at me. I ignore it and pour all my energy into getting there on time.

As I yank open the door, I can see Ollie. His back is to me and as my feet pound the floor, he turns and the worry I see evaporates and a smile replaces it. "Oy, Reedo! Nice of you to join us! You had us worried sick!" "Yeah mate, I didn't sleep very well last night. Thanks for the text, you're a life-saver!"

Ollie reached out his hand and I took it and then he pulled me into a hug. "Okay, both of you need to get a grip before I start vomiting!" Abigail said, trying to sound disgusted but failing miserably. As Ollie and I ended our hug, I looked at her and I could tell she was nervous. We were all that way. For more than one thing. Contracts, jobs, traveling, and of course, Tara. Even though we were here, it was easy to let our minds wander to the one who was missing, the one who couldn't be here even though she desperately wanted to be, and who maybe even deserved it more than anyone else.

But I couldn't let myself go there, not yet. I was already wound so tight that if I thought about her, then I would lose it completely and I had to hold it together. For everyone's sake. If I let go now, it would not be pretty. Come on man, I said to myself. Just a little bit longer, you can do this.

The hallway was filled with hushed whispers and occasional sobs as the interviews concluded. As Grace went in, I knew she would be taking one of the spots, possibly Tara's spot... No! Not yet! I thought... A little bit longer!

"She's the Prix champion! The rumor about none of us getting contracts... gaining credibility," I hear Ollie mutter to Abigail a few minutes later. What? I lifted my head and looked over to see Grace shaking her head and Ben wrapping his arms around her in support. She didn't get in? Then there was still hope! Hope for Tara despite her accident! I always figured Grace was a shoe-in, but perhaps her bad behavior had finally caught up with her. Perhaps Rebecca wasn't interested in talent for talent's sake. Maybe there was a method to her madness. I couldn't wrap my head around it! Could they really take none of us? It was becoming a real possibility. My heart broke for my friends, especially for Tara... her future was becoming hazier by the minute. Before I could think too much more, Rebecca called me in and asked me to have a seat.

"Good morning, Christian," she said in a very polite manner. "Thank you for meeting with us today. I know these are very difficult circumstances, but nonetheless, the show must go on, as they say." She smiles kindly and offers me a glass of water, which I politely decline.

"So," she continued, "We have been watching you very carefully these past three years, especially this last year. You got off to a rocky start, but have managed to make up all that you had missed at the start of term. I must say that is very impressive. As a scholarship student, you are held to certain standards that others are not. Nothing personal, but we want to make sure that our money is being well-spent. We know you have suffered great loss during your time here and we appreciate that, and with the accident the other night, we understand if you are not entirely sure where your future lies. Have you thought about all your options Christian?"

What? All my options? I have more than one? Isn't it the company or nothing? Shouldn't she be asking me if I want to be in the company? My brain takes a minute to process her unexpected question.

"Well, it's been a crazy few days and I honestly haven't given it much thought," I reply numbly.

"I understand, but where do you want to be Christian? What are your long term goals?"

I barely manage to stop myself from saying her name out loud. Tara, I say in my head. I want to be with Tara. But I know that's not what she means. She means dancing. She means the company. "I want to dance. I want to be a dancer for the National Ballet Company." There, I said it. Finally. It feels good to say it. As my admission hangs in the air, I see Rebecca smile and look from me to the two others sitting on either side of her. They return her smile.

Looking back to me, her kind smile still on her face, she says,

"We'll that's very good to hear because we have something for you."

I inhale sharply as she slowly slides a yellow booklet across the table and waits with her hand on top until I reach out mine to take it. I did it. I got a contract with the National Ballet Company. How? When? Why? My mind races as I try to process the emotions running through me. I look up dumbly to see all three sitting across from me smiling, and I can't help but feel my heart sink, because as much as I want to leap in the air and cheer, I can't. I can't react the way they so obviously want me to, the way I want to, because I know that no matter what, I don't fully deserve this. There are others... someone lying in a hospital bed... who deserve it more and may never get it.

Hit with this reality, I shove the contract in my bag, thank them and quickly make my way to the door. The others must see my scowl, because Ollie asks, "Reedo, care to share with the group?" I slowly shake my head, not meeting his gaze, and exit through the door in front of me.

The sunshine hits me as I exit the building and the floodgates open and I can feel the tears falling hot on my face. I can't help but think about Tara. She may never get her dream, and I have. I have achieved the goal of so many others and now I can live it out the way my mom always wanted. Thinking about her, I am struck by a strange thought... Is this what you want? Or is it just for your mom? Or for Tara? What do you really want Christian? The thought haunts me as I start walking, unsure of where my feet are taking me.


	4. Dream Job

Chapter 4 - Dream Job

Before I even know where I'm going, I find myself at Sammy's studio. I stop to take it in. The gold-plaited sign above the door, the dust that has accumulated from all the construction, Zach assembling a barre in the middle of the floor. Is this enough? Is this the only thing that Sammy will be remembered for? Are we really doing him justice with this place? When the kids come here and they see his photo on the wall, what will they think? Oh, he's just the kid someone named a studio after? Nothing else?

For me, this is the least of his accomplishments. For me, Sammy is way more than a few ballet barres and a photo on the wall. He is my best mate. Was my best mate. Was. It's still hard to think of him as being gone because he's never far out of my mind. Apart from Tara, he has been the most present person in my life since coming to the Academy. He pulled me out of my head and gave me the confidence to open up to people, to enjoy life.

I was so angry when I came to the Academy. Angry at everyone and everything. I missed my mom and didn't know how I was going to survive without her. Not just because she fed and clothed me, and kept a roof over my head. She was my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything. She was always there for me, and no matter how much trouble I got into, she didn't judge me.

Not that I was never punished... well she tried. But the punishment never quite lasted as long as she said. One week turned into one day, which turned into one hour, and before I knew it, we would be laughing about it as though it were a distant memory with me promising to do better, even though we both knew it would probably never happen. God did I miss her laugh. She was such a happy person. Despite never having enough money, or not living in the best neighborhood, not having my dad around, she didn't let it get to her. Even after she got sick. Even after she knew she wouldn't get better. She was a live-in-the-moment kind of person. Like Sammy was. She loved dancing, just like he did. And I loved her. That's why I auditioned when she begged me to. To make her happy. To make up for all my mistakes. It was my chance to show her that I wasn't a total screw-up. That I could be like her.

Now, they were both gone. I would never see them again. They were gone and I was still here and suddenly, standing in front of the building built to pay tribute to my friend, I finally realized what I wanted to do. It was so clear in my mind now that I couldn't believe it had taken me this long to figure out. It was so obvious. I think I may have sensed it before, but who comes to the Academy to be a teacher? Most only think of it as a back-up plan, not something that they really want to do. Just something to fall back on if they can't get a job dancing, or something to do after their career is over. But for me, it was all I wanted now.

As I came to this realization, I felt a pang of guilt course through me. Here I was with a contract to the National Ballet Company sitting in my bag, and I was just going to throw it away? What would my mom say? What would Sammy say? And worst of all... Tara? She was in the hospital where a doctor was trying his best to fix her broken back, not knowing if she can ever walk or dance again, and I'm just going to say, "No thanks? Not interested?" How could I face her once she learns the truth? That I had been offered a contract, something she would give anything to have, and I just threw it back as if it had meant nothing?

Except it did mean something! It meant everything! Being offered a contract meant more to me than I could say, especially since it was never something I thought I would actually get. It was always talked about in some obscure way, but never as a real option. But now, standing in front of Sammy's studio, I knew it wasn't my dream. I had wanted it for my mom and to be able to be with Tara, but not for me. Giving kids the chance to dance and dream, to let them find out what they really want in life, was definitely worth my time. It was something I never had, which is probably why it took me this long to realize that what I wanted to do more than anything else was teach. This is how I would truly honor Sammy's memory. By not letting anyone forget how much he loved dancing, his family, his friends.

With this weight lifted off my chest, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had finally found my purpose, something to make me happy. This is what I wanted. With a sense of achievement, I took a deep breath in as I walked into the studio, knowing that there was someone inside who needed to hear my news and my decision. Here goes...


	5. Looking Back

**Author's Notes:**

**First - Thank you ****SO**** much for all the reviews, favs and follows! It means so much to me to read all your positive feedback and support! **

**Second - I have added some new stuff to my previous chapters... nothing too drastic but just little things that I think make the story better, so if you want, please read from the beginning!**

**Third - This chapter is long... longer than I originally planned. I've tried to edit and take stuff out but I like it as is, so bear with me and I hope you like it!**

Chapter 5 - Looking Back

"I finally know what I want to do... and I want to start doing it." Those words echo in my head over and over as I walk to the hospital. I am walking fast because I know I've stayed at the studio longer than I should have. I couldn't help it. Being there, seeing it all coming together, felt better than I could have imagined. Between sweeping the floors, helping set up ballet barres around the space and showing Zach a few hip hop moves, it felt good to be doing something, instead of just sitting around waiting. It was just what I needed to keep my mind off everything that was going on. But in the end, I knew I couldn't put off telling him any longer.

As it turns out, telling Zach hadn't been as hard as I thought. He was angry at first, but once he realized how passionate I was about teaching, how much I truly appreciated everything he had done for me - standing up for me when no one else would, spending all his free time helping me make up the classes I had missed, taking me under his wing and treating me like his family - and how I wanted to be that person for someone someday, he resigned himself to the fact that nothing he could say or do would be able to change my mind.

I could tell he was disappointed, not because he thought he had wasted his time, but because he truly believed that I could be a great dancer. It was one of the main reasons why I knew I wanted to be a teacher, to be like him. Caring. Strong. Good. Things I never believed myself to be. I was the screw-up, the disappointment, insecure and afraid to let people in. Afraid of being rejected like my dad had rejected me. Afraid of letting people down when they realized I wasn't exactly who they wanted me to be. Seriously unperfect.

But as much as I rebelled during my time at the Academy, Zach was right. I always came back. Part of it was because I had nowhere else to go. Part of it was because of Tara. And part of it was because of him. He supported me, challenged me, made me feel like I could achieve anything. Be anything. He was on my side, rooting for me, filling a role that had been vacant for so long. He knew what I was going through and was there to help me overcome any obstacles I had to face. A father-figure of sorts. He never gave up on me and kept fighting for me even when he probably shouldn't have.

Knowing I had his support, I couldn't help feeling relieved. One down, one to go. As hard as I thought telling Zach was going to be, I knew telling Tara would be much harder. Getting a contract was all she ever wanted. It was her dream. And it was a great dream! But not for me. Part of me felt like I was letting her down, but the other part knew I wouldn't be happy in the company. For her, dancing in the back row of the corps was better than not dancing at all. I had barely survived the academy, and I couldn't imagine the company being any easier. No, for me, teaching in Sammy's studio was the better choice.

Maybe I wouldn't tell her today... or for a while. She was fragile right now and who could blame her? She had fallen so far in such a short period of time. Going from being on top to possibly not even being on Rebecca's radar at all anymore. I certainly wouldn't be able to handle that, but Tara was much stronger than me. Much more hopeful. Much more determined. She had already been through so much since coming to the academy and she was still standing - well, maybe not literally - but she hadn't let all the bad stuff get to her. After everything that happened last year... after Sammy died, she didn't let it change her. Instead of falling off the deep end like I had, she used her pain to become a better dancer, a better person. Like she realized how short life really was and made a promise, to herself and to Sammy, that she wasn't going to waste it.

As I get into the elevator and push the button, I try to organize the thoughts in my head, to plan what I will say. This is the first time I was going to see Tara since she fell. I wanted to say the right thing and not sound like an idiot stumbling over my words. What will I say? Should I be funny or serious? Should I sit in a chair or on the bed? Should I hold her hand? I want to hold her hand, to reassure her that she is not alone, to reassure myself that she is going to be okay. Maybe I will wait for her to say something and go from there. My mind races as I try to imagine different scenarios, all the possible ways the conversation can go.

All too soon, the doors open and my mind goes blank. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster, pounding loudly in my ears, sweat gathering on my forehead. This is it. In a few moments, I will see her, and the anticipation makes my stomach churn. I am a wreck. Pull yourself together! I tell myself. It's just Tara! But even as I think it, I know it's not true. She's never really been "Just Tara." Even before we started dating. Even before we became friends. I reach her door, and I look through the window. She is sleeping and I can't help feeling a little relieved. I decide to watch her from the hall, at least for a little while longer. I don't want to wake her. She deserves to sleep.

Instead, I let my mind wander to a day that seems so long ago: the first time I saw her. It was the first day of auditions. I had forgotten something in my bag and had gone back to the locker room to get it. Taking my time, I turned the corner and there she was. She had her back to me, and she was kneeling over her bag in only her bra and skirt, her shirt crumpled on the floor, completely unaware of my presence. What was she doing? Didn't she realize this was the boys room? I could feel a smirk spreading across my face, and stayed quiet for the time being.

As I circled around behind the cubbies, I glanced over at her as she frantically rummaged through her bag. She was thin, but not too thin. She was fit, strong, and her reddish hair looked soft, and I wondered what it would feel like to touch it. I shook my head, trying to ignore that thought. I couldn't go there. Not with her. She wasn't my type. She was exactly the opposite. Too innocent. I could tell just by looking at her. Her clothes looked hand-made and the lack of make-up on her face made her seem younger than she probably was. The girls I usually hung out with always wore make-up, too much in some cases. But she didn't need make-up. She was pretty without it. In her case, less was more. I was intrigued and I wanted to know more about her.

Hastily, she grabbed her leotard and I decided it was time to make my presence known. "Don't let me stop you," I said, my words dripping with sarcasm. She spun around quickly, her leotard falling to the floor, and when she saw me, her arms shot up across her chest, trying to cover herself. "I have pepper spray in my bag and I'm not afraid to use it!" She shot back as she ran to duck behind a wall. I smirked and replied, "Well I was just standing here minding my own business-" "In the girls dressing room?" She really didn't know she was in the wrong place. "I'm pretty sure those are urinals in there... unless you can go standing up." Still holding her arms over her chest, she walked over and looked where I was pointing. I could see the realization hit her as her shoulders slumped and she knew she wasn't where she was supposed to be. "You might need this," I joked as I picked up her shirt. "Can you turn around please?" Her voice trembled a little, and I could tell I was making her nervous.

I decided to tease her a little more. "So is it an attention thing?" "What?" "You know, stripping in front of strangers? Cuz that's cool, I mean, I'm sure they have support groups-" She cut me off again, "If you're looking, I swear I'll hurt you!" I had to try not to laugh at her empty threat. Then Ethan had come in and interrupted our little moment. She stuttered a response, shot me a dirty look and then raced out to chase after him. It all happened so fast. Before I could call out to her or say I was sorry, she was gone, leaving me with butterflies in my stomach, wondering when I would see her again.

Watching her now through the glass, I can't help but smile at the memory. It's one of my favorites of us and I wonder if Tara remembers it. If only we had known then what we know now. That we would become friends, fall in love, spend the better part of two years barely speaking to each other. Would we have done anything differently? Or would we have decided not to go through with it at all? To just be friends? I feel a familiar pull deep in my gut that I always feel when I'm around her and I know there are things I would have done differently, but that I wouldn't have been able to just be her friend. Even after I broke up with her, it was still there. I had still loved her, still wanted to be with her, but I was so angry that I pushed those feelings aside and callously chose her best friend instead, not caring about how it would make Tara feel.

Kat was cool and laid back. Her relaxed attitude calmed me and made me feel like I belonged. She didn't expect anything of me. There was no pressure. We would hang out and laugh a lot and it was easy. Don't get me wrong, we did plenty of other stuff too. There was chemistry because we were so much alike. We got each other and didn't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. There was no awkwardness between us.

But in the end it wasn't enough. Eventually Kat started wanting more. More than just having fun and watching DVDs. More than just joking around and making out. She wanted a real relationship. She wanted feelings and emotions and she started asking questions about my childhood and other sensitive areas that I thought being with her meant I could avoid. She had never been curious about my past before. She never asked questions about my dad and never tried to fix me. But suddenly she was and I didn't know how to handle it. I thought being with her meant I could just sweep all my baggage under the rug.

Talking had been Tara's thing, not Kat's. With Tara, I had wanted to tell her about my past, but I couldn't. I was too ashamed, and it just made it clearer that we were from two different worlds. I didn't want to burden her with my problems, to taint her with my dysfunctional family drama. But with Kat, I felt like I shouldn't have had to talk to her about it. She should have just understood. It was, after all, the reason I had was with her... so we wouldn't have to deal with all the drama. It made me realize what I felt for her wasn't the same as the love I had for Tara. An all-consuming love that made my heart beat faster, made my palms sweat, made it seem like there was no one else, just me and her. Kat saw it too, that I was still in love with Tara, and despite all my false protests, she ended it. She did what I didn't have the strength to do.

When Kat broke up with me, I finally knew how selfish I had been. I had used her as a buffer, so I could avoid dealing with all the problems in my life, and I had ruined everything with Tara over something as silly as her looking up my dad on the internet. Instead of talking to her about how I felt, trusting her, I walked away, leaving her heartbroken. After telling her I loved her, promising her nothing would come between us, I had treated her as though she meant nothing. As though she wasn't important and didn't matter at all. I blamed her for so much when all she was trying to do was help me. I just left her, thinking I'd be fine without her. But I wasn't.

Breaking up with Tara had killed me, but I was too proud to admit it. And when Saskia broke her back, it was as if the floor had fallen out from under me. The fact that she hadn't told me about it, that she had lied and said it was just a strain, made me truly understand how much I had hurt her, how much pain I had caused her. She should have been able to come to me, to tell me what that horrible woman had done to her. All I wanted to do was comfort her, to say I was sorry, to take it all back and start over. But it was too late. The way she had looked at me, the way she had talked to me, proved that it was over. She had lost faith in me, and there was no way she could confide in me now.

Instead, she told Ben. He was there for her, unlike me, and even though they were only friends at the time, he listened and gave her what she needed. A shoulder to cry on. Someone she could talk to about anything. It used to be me. She used to tell me everything, but not anymore, and it was all my fault. She was better off without me.

The problem was, I wasn't better off without her. I didn't realize how much I would miss her; her sweetness, her kindness, her goodness, her ability to see the best in everyone, especially me. She wasn't like the others, who seemed more than happy to leave me to my internal angst. She was different, special. Somehow more in tune with the world and those around her. It was a subtle gift that often went unnoticed because she didn't flaunt it or use it for her own personal gain, which often lead to her being taken for granted. I definitely had done that. I didn't deserve her and she deserved way better than me. She deserved to be happy.

For a while, it seemed she was. She had Ben and everything was all sorted out. Even though it hurt to see them together, I knew Ben was the better option for her. He was kind like she was, and thoughtful and he really cared about her. His loyalty and genuine desire to help her made him good for her. And eventually, they became more than just friends. Another blow to my ego. To think that I had had everything and I just threw it away, without giving it a second thought. Watching them kiss at the ice rink shattered any hope I had of being with her again. It made me feel truly alone, more so than I had ever felt. But if she was happy, then it was worth it. She had certainly suffered because of me, so now I guessed it was my turn.

That was part of the reason why I chose not to go back at the beginning of third year. I knew that if I went back, Tara would be waiting, and I wouldn't be able to stay away. So I stayed with Raf, blowing off school and hanging with a group of kids who were the exact opposite of my friends from the academy, hoping it would satisfy my desperate need to belong. But it didn't work. It wasn't the same. They couldn't fill that void and it took Tara coming to visit for me to see that. Which is why I went back. As much as I tried to deny it, I needed her, and part of me hoped she still needed me too.

Suddenly, I was brought back to reality by a voice I knew all too well. "That door's not going to open itself, you know!" I turned my head to see Kat walking towards me, a cup of coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. She had changed her clothes from the night before but I could tell that she hadn't slept much. Though she was smiling, I could hear the annoyance in her voice. I put on my best casual smile and asked, "Hey Kat, how's she doing?" I tried to stay calm, hoping she wouldn't see how worried I was, afraid that Tara's surgery hadn't gone well.

"She's fine," she said curtly. "Where have you been Christian? Didn't your interview end hours ago? Everyone else has come and gone, and you're just getting here now? I thought you would have been the first to visit her, and instead you're the last. She's been waiting for you." The hurt in her voice was palpable. There were tears in her eyes, and I knew that Kat had been waiting for me too. To test me. To see if I was worthy of her best friend's attention. I couldn't blame her. After everything I had put them through the last couple of years, it was a miracle they were still talking to me.

"I'm sorry Kat. I didn't mean to make her wait. I went to see Zach. He was working in Sammy's studio and I started helping. I guess I lost track of time," I said with as much sincerity as I could. It was the truth. Being in the studio made me feel safe and protected from the reality of what had happened the night before. It felt like home, which only cemented the fact that I was making the right decision. But I couldn't tell Kat about getting a contract. Or about turning it down to be a teacher. Not yet. Tara needed to know first. She must have believed me, because I could see the anger leave her face. She had never been very good at staying mad at me. She smiled, rolled her eyes and replied, "Well I guess there's no time like the present! I'll give you some privacy..." And with that, she turned around and started walking back down the hall.

Turning back to Tara's door, I knew what I had to do. I had to tell her. I couldn't put it off. No matter how long I waited, it was not going to be easy. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Then I reached up my hand, pushed open the door and walked into the room.


End file.
